Three Loves
by Wolfstorm7
Summary: Three she-cats love Crowfeather. In StarClan, which of them will he choose to be his mate? And more importantly, who will still want to be chosen? - Ramblings in the POVs of Nightcloud, Feathertail, and Leafpool.
1. Nightcloud

Hey everyone! I haven't uploaded anything Warriors for a while. Heh. Sorry.

Actually, I wrote this a year or two ago, after Sunrise came out. I only just remembered this fic, cleaned it up a little, and decided to put it up.

There are three chapters, one for each she-cat. First is Nightcloud (my personal favorite).

So enjoy my ramblings as each of the characters! Not my best work by far, so feel free to skim or even skip! Just let me know what your thoughts are in a review please.

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><p><strong>Nightcloud:<strong>

I did love him first. Even when he was a kit I _knew_ I would be the one. His one and only, I knew. It was like StarClan had sent me a sign.

The little ball of gray fur could only bump into my shins when I was an apprentice. I would shrink and quiver. My mother said it was just an apprentice crush. My father said I was stupid and inane to like a kit. But I knew he would grow.

He didn't look at me, not even once. However many times I caught a rabbit and left it for him, however many times I groomed myself and slicked down my fur until it shone glossy like the dark sky I was named for, his eyes were blank and dull.

But he was just a young apprentice, so what could I expect?

Then he was gone.

Just _gone_, like that. Didn't say goodbye, not even to me, when he _knew_ how I cared so much. Oh yes, he _knew_. He knew and did _nothing_.

So I waited and waited. I could wait a thousand years if I had to. I could wait until the river dried up, the Great Oaks fell down, the badgers moved back to their den in the hill, and the sun and the moon burned each other to ashes that would float down like snow on my patient black head. I could be patient.

Then the dark gray pelt returned, claiming that we had to move. I agreed. Anything he meowed with his strong, deep voice would sound true to my ears.

And then I saw the look. His eyes didn't focus. They were glazed like small black pebbles. I knew that look, for I had seen it every time I bent my head down to a puddle, and saw the look in my own eyes, longing for him. He was in love – but not with me. With some mouse-brained _RiverClan_ cat.

He whimpered in his sleep. I wanted to comfort him, but his softly-spoken words made my paws into ice. He spoke wistfully about that one, that silver she-cat who glowed like the moon and was more beautiful then a star.

But I shone like night. Nothing could escape my deep, black expanse, and so I knew I would win. Moons and stars dip beneath the horizon. Night always came, always. He was mine.

How was it, then, he gazed past my eyes? Just for some dead cat from another Clan. Some dead cat. Here I was, alive and wanting with all my heart for just some love, and all he could do was stare off into the distance.

But he was mourning. And he was still an apprentice, a mouse-brained apprentice. So why could he making my heart constrict like that? Why did I always have to be perfect when I sensed his presence?

And for the mourning, I knew I had to give him time. _He will be yours._ I could wait; I was one of patience, even though my fiery temper didn't show it on the outside.

We traveled, I in a daze of lonesomeness. My only friends reeked of darkness and ambition, for those sorts would take any kind of friend. Maybe I was one of them, without noticing. Maybe I had turned bitter as acorn flour waiting out in the sun.

He would be mine, oh StarClan_…_

And then, and then, he rejected me _again_, second time, second she-cat, second Clan, _different _Clan, not _his_ Clan, not _me_…

Even worse, the _medicine cat_ of ThunderClan. How could he? Why couldn't he just be happy with me? In his own Clan? Why, were we scrawny, quick she-cats in WindClan nothing compared to the fat glory of ThunderClan or the fishy grease of RiverClan? Were they so much better?

Despite this, I knew I still loved him. He was my lifelong dream, and I wasn't going to let him go. He would come back to his Clan, come back to me. He would. I knew it.

And he did. How can a cat have so much nerve to come back after what he did? Especially to me.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter. Wouldn't that make sense, if I was bitter? I loved him with endless, determined strength and he leaves me in the dust over and over like his dirt. Wasn't _his_ Clan good enough? Yes, I think I have reason to sound bitter.

And I'm sorry if I sound like I hate him. That would be a false impression. He takes over my sky, my world, with his sarcastic, snide meows and his quick glare, his paws that churn over the land when he runs faster than any to the prey.

He was always loyal to his Clan… Don't make me laugh. Oh yes, now he's loyal, now he wants to take me as a mate. I had finally won, I had finally waited out all those moons of my life for him, and he had come to me.

Is it fair then, that he had no care for me. He apologized, actually, saying that I should deserve better. I should leave him and find someone else, find someone worth me. He sounded genuine, like he cared. But if he cared he would _know_ how I cared, and if he cared he would try and stay with me.

In a way, whenever I forced him to touch noses or twined my tail with his, I slapped the cold, brutal truth into both of our faces: We weren't happy. He, always loving another. I, always loving him.

I was nothing but his clan to him.

And we were tied together in the eyes of our clan. As long as I live, they will remember that I had loved him, in my son, Breezepelt. But he never glanced at Breezepelt either. He just pretended to care, but never really loved his little "happy" WindClan family. Always looking out towards the trees. Maybe dreaming about a lovely little ThunderClan family, so much prettier than ours.

He should be happy, then, for he got what he dreamt about. I know he was shocked, that he didn't know. I was more shocked than anyone there. There were no _words_-

He pretended, after that, to love me even more than before, but I'm not stupid. I could tell that he was secretly proud of his ThunderClan kits, the famed golden tom who could beat all in battle, the gray one was a marvelous medicine cat, despite being blind. And the black one with green eyes, like myself, twisted and struggling with her decisions. She paid for it the hard way, but I'm still here, like an echo.

-And now he's dying.

He gasps for breath, calling and struggling, and I know he is now wishing he had made better choices in life. He has caught Greencough, and there is not enough prey to go around.

Breezepelt is off hunting, or so he says. All he ever wanted was to make his father happy, but his father never gave him anything in return. Now Breezepelt is too scared to watch him die, so here I sit by his side, the only one caring.

I love him like I love the morning breeze over the moor. But this tide is receding.

You know, when he dies, I'm pretty sure he will go to StarClan. He's a good cat, even though… Even though…

When he gets to StarClan, Feathertail will be waiting for him. Leafpool and I will be stuck down below, wondering what will happen when it is our turn to rise and join the others.

He's the only one inside, as Kestrelflight separated all cats in different dens to quarantine the sickness. His body is so thin, so frail, the ribs stick out and his face is gaunt. He is no longer handsome, he is no longer strong.

"Nightcloud," he hacks, eyes full of pain. "Nightcloud..."

"What?" I meow coldly. I'm in no mood to exchange loving last words, as they would be just for show.

"Nightcloud, I-" he breaks into a fit of coughing that trails down slowly. He spits up a little blood and I move closer, wanting to comfort him, but at the same time wanting to run from this nightmare.

I wait.

"I lo-" he pauses and tries again. "I love-" But he frowns and stops.

And then I know. I know that even when he's lying on his deathnest, even when he could be gentle for the last time towards me, he is not about to lie to me. He could lie and say that he loves me, but I can see in his eyes that he's too _noble. _I hate him for it, but there's nothing I can do.

"…I'm sorry, Nightcloud." Now he closes his eyes. "Forgive me, p-please, forgive me."

I open my mouth and speak the words that have always come easily. They are not false, but they have no feeling, no meaning.

"I forgive you."

And he believes it, as he should. Eyes close, he fades and stills. The tide pulls out, leaving a hollow sand heart. I want to reach, to touch, to bring back-

When I reach StarClan, if I do, I will not fight for him. I'll let Leafpool or Feathertail take _him_, the cat that should have been mine, the cat that never was.

Because sometimes, if you love him, you let him go.

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><p>Reviews would be lovely. Next is Feathertail. (Random order for the she-cats, by the way. To make it fair. I'm having a quick poll on my profile, please vote.)<p> 


	2. Feathertail

Enjoy :)

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><p><strong>Feathertail:<strong>

When we first set eyes on each other, there was a spark.

He was an apprentice, and I was a newly-made warrior, still too young to even consider falling for a tom.

I was surrounded in a fog of bliss. My brother cared, my father as well, and that was enough love for me.

And I was perfect. Every cat looked at me and envied what I was. Beautiful, strong, talented, friendly, adored. No one ever pressured me to be better than I was, but still I promised I would be the best to myself. If I really wanted to be perfect, then I had to work for it.

When I was chosen to be part of the prophecy, I was elated. Not only was I perfect, but I was chosen by StarClan. How much better could you get?

Still, I wanted more. Stormfur didn't understand when I told him this.

"You're already pushing yourself too far, Feathertail. You can't get any more perfect without exploding!"

So, what was I missing? I had everything; looks, grace, strength, intelligence, skill at fishing, fighting, friends, a loving brother, the most beautiful mother in StarClan, and my father, who was a powerful warrior in ThunderClan.

I was missing something, but _what_?

But then, there was _him_. He was grumpy, sarcastic, and slightly snobby, but clever and inside, he cared. He believed the sun rose for him. But he could make it rise for you as well. You either disliked him or loved him.

Unfortunately, in my case, I fell head over paws for him.

He was the thing that had been missing, but now it wasn't making me any more perfect. Feathertail, the sleek, silver warrior, had fallen in love with a grumpy gray apprentice? I didn't know what to do; I wanted to be perfect, but I loved him. Having a mate was the missing thing in my life, and he was the only cat that could fit. But he wasn't perfect – in fact, he was far from perfect.

Although handsome, my mother would have warned me away from him. If she had said that, she would have been right.

How was I to feel when I died?

Cheated? Yes, I felt cheated. I still had my whole life in front of me, and here I was already, walking the starry trail into the sky. StarClan cheated me.

And I couldn't help thinking of the other connotations of "cheating", you know.

You can't cheat on someone after they're dead, I told myself. So he could go and love whomever he wanted, and I would pretend not to care. Like I was capable of breathing without him.

I told myself it had only been a young-warrior romance, almost an apprentice crush. I told myself that _that_ was how he thought of me; his first love, young, pretty, and naive. I wished that we had had more time, more life to live. Maybe we could have grown up.

But how quickly he had forgotten me. Just added my name to his own, and then thought the debt was repaid; he was free to find another mate.

Leafpool was a lovely cat; I had no problem with her. I just wished it was _me_ running away with him, instead of the forest medicine cat. The mousebrained tom couldn't even find love in his own Clan, so he had to go to the neighboring Clans. If he had bothered looking he would have found the black she-cat Nightcloud.

He only found that long after he should have, and used it to cover up that he had loved in ThunderClan.

How does it feel to watch a cat you knew as an apprentice grow up without you?

Maybe he will die and join me, I thought selfishly. I had, for the most part, believed that I would always be the older cat, wiser and more knowledgeable.

He saved my life a few times, truthfully. He was brave, even as an apprentice. He felt so bad, when I died. He felt that he could have saved me once again.

He was the only one on the trip that didn't have anybody. I had Stormfur. Brambleclaw had Squirrelflight and Tawnypelt. _He_ was alone, so I became his anybody.

It was sad that Stormfur didn't agree with our relationship. No other cat than me could see past his grumpiness and find his soft side, the gentle side. It was there, even though it took some digging to find.

I loved him so much, even past the end.

-And now he's dying. I can see the ragged breath rising and falling in his rough gray chest. He snaps at the medicine cat, he growls at the passing clanmates. He will come here soon, to StarClan.

I've been preparing for this day ever since I died, and I still think I am not ready. In some ways I wish code-breakers weren't allowed here; they should be sent to the Dark Forest. I wouldn't have to see his muzzle.

Maybe I will flee to the Tribe of Endless Hunting.

I don't know who he loves now; I don't even know if he knows who he loves.

I wonder who will be sent to fetch him when he dies. Will they choose me? If they do, I wish not to go. I still love him more than anything in the world. That is my reason. If he wishes to be with Leafpool or Nightcloud, I will certainly let him. I will not limit his options by being the first of his mates to be dead with him.

His eyes close as he tries to explain to Nightcloud his feelings for her. The stupid gray furball can't even say a simple "I love you"; he's too proud to lie – Even if it would heal the poor she-cat's wounds that he scratched into her.

"Are you going to fetch him?" Silverstream, my mother, asks. She is about the same age as I am now, so acts more like my friend then my guidance.

I pause, watching him take his final breaths. "No."

"But the poor tom has no one but you."

"I can't be with him now."

"But… Don't you love him?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then why…?"

He gasps and fades. Here he comes, but I won't be waiting.

"Because sometimes, if you love him, you let him go."

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><p>You see where this is going... Anyway, please review.<p> 


	3. Leafpool

Last one! :)

Please review and please vote on the poll on my profile. Nightcloud? Feathertail? Leafpool? Personally, I'm going to have to say Purdy is the best bet ;)

Anyway.

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><p><strong>Leafpool:<strong>

I remember the shine in his eyes as he lifted me from the quarry wall into his sky. The amber glint as he said he loved me. I wanted to fall into his golden eyes like into a pile of leaves, to swim in his love and never return to the shore.

We met secretly between the borders. Neither loyal to ThunderClan or WindClan, neither willing to let go of this forbidden romance. I needed him like I needed to breathe.

So we ran away. There was nothing to it: We couldn't be together, but we _had_ to be together. Like a law of nature; perhaps magnetism, or gravity.

Those nights that we spent traveling, under the moon, were of love and doubt. Half of the time I would curl up by his side with no fear, other times I would pace for hours as I thought of how much my Clan might need me. What if a kit or an elder was sick? What if Firestar, my father, had lost another life? What if he needed me to decipher a prophecy? My mind broiled with worries of what could be going wrong. Foxes, whitecough, and kitbirth took over my dreams.

He could sense my anxiety. He knew the guilt I felt, and he tried to help. But finally, when the worries had taken over the love we should have been feeling, he told me to go home.

Not exactly in those words. But he wanted to see me happy. He loved me, and he knew running away would make me only more uneasy. So we had to go back.

And in tune with my fears, I came home to a camp being ravaged my badgers. I watched my nightmares play out before me, and his love was only an echo in my head. He was the past. I had to put my duties before him. Why did StarClan choose this route for me? Perhaps it was to test me. They tested me well, I must say.

We met a few more times, but our hearts were not in it. He had sent me back because I loved my Clan more than I loved him. He had let me go because he loved me; he wanted to see me happy.

Then I was bearing kits, and I needed him more than ever. He had Nightcloud as a mate, so it was impossible to meet him, and impossible to tell him the truth. I suspected reality would tear him apart – knowing that he had committed the ultimate act of disloyalty. But as painful as I thought it would be for him, it was worse for me.

Everyday as I held those kits inside, I was holding a heavy secret, like I had swallowed a burning branch. As a medicine cat, if I were to have kits I could no longer continue my obligations. Wasn't that the whole reason I came back? If I had wanted to quit my responsibilities, I would have continued to run away with him in the hills.

I arranged a trade-off with Squirrelflight. She would take my kits. My sister loved me, I was sure, and I used this against her. These kits would be no different from the kits she would have one day with Brambleclaw, I assured her. She would be saving me.

They were born in the dead of winter. We had to carry them back through the snow, the gray one, the golden one, and the black one.

Only one thought ran through my mind that night- What exactly was I giving up?

What was I leaving behind? Like the legend of Bluestar, I had sacrificed my kits and my mate for my duties. Had I lost something? And in the back of my mind, I worried that StarClan would want to punish me for what I had done. But why?

StarClan managed to do just so. Hollyleaf told the entire Gathering of my betrayal, and I was shamed forever. I had to resign my post as medicine cat, I was excluded from the royalties I had once shared with the others, and I was ignored. At first, I thought I would have my sister to talk to, but she proved distant as the mountains. I guess that was understandable, seeing that my plans had ruined her relationship with her mate and with her pseudo-kits.

So I ended up entirely alone, because of our forbidden love.

-And now he is dying.

I heard the rumor last Gathering; that many cats in WindClan had taken up whitecough, him being one of them. As a former medicine cat, I know that it wouldn't be long before the sickness turns to greencough. From there, he will be gone.

Will he go to StarClan? If I still was able to connect with them, I would ask Spottedleaf. Maybe she would tell me in her gentle mew that he and I would be happy forever in the starry sky.

But I know that Feathertail waits for him in the sky. If by chance she has found another mate, he will wait for me, won't he? Or is he angry with me. I remember his eyes when he was told that the Three were his kits. They burned with amber flames, and I fled from the fire. I couldn't face him.

I'm on the WindClan border now, lifting my nose over the border. As _if _I could smell that he was dead. But in truth, I'm waiting for a patrol. I wait in the tall weeds often, hoping that they'll talk to me. And in the back of my heart, I know that I'm waiting for him. Him to come around the hill, loping through the grass, with promises of eternity and love. To meet me here one more time.

A dark shape pads towards me.

"I thought I'd find you here," says Nightcloud. Her eyes are pieces of glass green jade. She opens her mouth and says the two words I told myself I would never hear: "He's dead."

She doesn't blink or let her voice waver with this statement. She's been frozen into ice after many long years of her mate's coldness.

But I can't help but let out a wail, because I'm still alive and warm and loved and broken. She regards me like a piece of foxdung, and I know she hates me for loving him. But after all this time, I still... I... No.

She turns and walks away. I don't watch her go. I'm not seeing anything but my white paws and my Clan land laid out before me, and the forest has never been so empty. The path

In StarClan, he'll end up with Feathertail or Nightcloud. But I won't be there for him. I have my own life to live, a new life to start. A life without him. I love him, but he'll be happier with one of them.

Why? I lay down in the grass and ask myself, Why?

Because sometimes, if you love him, you let him go.

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><p>Aww. Nobody ends up with him.<p>

They all love him though. (Maybe in his dream world he would go a'pimpin' and make himself a little foursome. ;)P Yow.)

This was supposed to be the last chapter, but I was thinking of making an extra one (perhaps showing what Crowfeather thinks about all of this)... Thoughts? Should I?


	4. Crowfeather  Bonus

Bonus chapter! Originally, I was against the idea of giving Crowfeather a turn. After all, the whole point was to have his three mates 'fight' each other for him, but in the end each give him up. I purposely didn't share Crowfeather's opinion on this all.

But then I just _had_ to write another chapter, so I shrugged my shoulders and gave Crowfeather a voice. So here's our favorite grumpy wiry sexy gray WindClan tom:

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><p><strong>Crowfeather:<strong>

I used to feel love like the pale dawn rays of sunlight unfurling in my body's shadows – It warmed me. I desired nothing more than to bask all day.

But then it began to be a burden. I carried it upon my back and I ached every step I took. Through the dark, just one step after another.

Once, the thought of love had been liberating, like I was a bird, and my ropes were cut for the first time. Feathertail and I had been so, so in love. Bubbling and bouncy and beautiful, she was everything I wished for and everything I wanted and everything I knew I had to stay away from. But I couldn't keep stepping back for long.

When I was younger, I had said I didn't want love. But it came to me anyways; great StarClan, it did. In fact, love chased me over the mountains and back again, crying in my ear like a pesty fly, "She's the one, Crowfeather! Why can't you accept it?"

Somewhere along that trip (maybe under the waterfall, maybe in the tall grass, maybe as I lay by Feathertail's side and realized that she was beautiful), love caught me in its tiny claws and carried me away.

But Feathertail died, just like _that_. It was so sudden I don't remember even grieving for her. Shocked, I had forgotten how to walk and how to breathe. StarClan was punishing me for letting love lift me so easily. No wonder our realization had taken so long – our ancestors did not approve.

After that, they beat me every night with merciless dreams. The nightmares got even worse as we journeyed through the mountains again, with this _empty_ space by my side. I would wake up in the morning and see the sunlight breezing into the cave, and start to purr as I saw her face, for one second forgetting-

Then the wind would whisk the silver cobwebs away and I would remember with a jolt. She was _dead_. The spot by my side would be empty for the rest of my life.

But as time went on, I found that I could move more easily. My legs moved again, and I could find the spring in my pawstep! I could look at the stars and admire them for just what they were – stars. Not the glittering dead, the ones who were gone.

Perhaps I moved on. But I never forgot her, just as I had promised.

Now, Leafpool, I could _breathe_ her because she was the summer wind over the moors. She floated, she soared, and I was captured by her grace as I set eyes on her. There was tension between us. We had almost never spoken, but we were in love. How- I don't know. I thought at first that StarClan had wished it.

She had fallen, and I caught her with both paws, afraid to let go. Over the edge, I pulled her back up. She asked me why, and I said the only truth I knew: I loved her.

But the look in her eyes – it was the same as Feathertail's. The same eyes that Feathertail had worn the moment she died, and when she looked at me I felt that Feathertail was alive, just for a second. But maybe she'd forgive me, but maybe not.

I just wanted someone to say, "I forgive you." Anyone. I needed it.

Feathertail was my young romance, and I hoped that she could let me move on. She could never tie me to the heavens because I was grounded as could be. Leafpool kept me tethered like a TwoLeg kite, and as often as I bobbed into the sky, as often as the wind swept me up and tried to reclaim me, she reeled me back in.

I suggested we run away together, because- because it was _real_, even a bit more real than Feathertail had been. I let myself think that with only a tiny bit of guilt. But I couldn't help how I felt.

We ran into the hills and I loved her more than anything, but she was unhappy. Her pawsteps and movements that once were as soft as the breeze whistling across the green grass, became as slow and heavy. Like she was walking upriver. And as we traveled farther and farther away, the current became stronger, until I was holding on to her with both paws. I was reminded of the first time I had caught her from falling.

But this time, her eyes begged me to let her go.

And so I did, with a whisper, "I'll never forget you." Just as I had with Feathertail.

As soon as I released Leafpool, she was swept away. I padded back to my clan with sore paws and I was so _broken_, again.

Nightcloud was there, waiting for me. "I knew you'd come," she said the night we mated for the first time, when we were lying side by side and the moon was bright and full. StarClan approved, they _approved_, but all I could think was that I didn't love her.

I felt sorry for her, in some ways. Her love lashed her to my every need, and I used it against her. Our son, Breezepelt, looked so much like her that I couldn't _stand_ him: There was just too much Nightcloud, too much of the she-cat who constantly reminded me that I was a traitor. I betrayed my Clan. I betrayed both my mates.

In fact, I asked myself- Who was the _one_? Was it Feathertail, of who love had whispered "Accept her," or was it Leafpool, flowing in her river and soaring on her wind, or was it Nightcloud, who StarClan and my Clan approved of wholly?

I don't know. But does it matter?

-Now I am dying.

I cough and spit and know that soon it'll be over forever.

Nightcloud is by my side, and I hate her for loving me so much when I can give nothing in return. I want to scream, "Go find someone who can give you what you want! It's the least you deserve!" but all that comes out of my mouth is a dribble of blood. She regards me coldly, and for a moment, I wish her all the happiness in the world after I am gone. I hope she forgets about me, for her sake.

And then I want to tell her that I love her, to see her smile, and to know that she'll be alright after I die.

"Nightcloud, I-" I start to cough. "I lo-"

Her eyes start to cloud over, but she sits proud and pure.

"I love-" And I can't. I can't say it. I can't love her because I _don't_, I think, and I never will. On my deathnest I won't lie to the one that has given me so much. "…I'm sorry, Nightcloud."

I have to close my eyes so I can't see her face, carved from cold black marble. "Forgive me, p-please, forgive me."

"I forgive you," she whispers, and suddenly I am liberated- I am soaring and dying and breathing and flying and circling the darkness a thousand times but it doesn't matter because I am finally _free._

It isn't Feathertail who fetches my soul. It's Ashstar, my mother. She bows her head and flicks her tail, signaling for me to follow her up the starry path into the black sky. I leave this world and look back only once, to see Nightcloud sitting motionless beside my dead gray husk.

"Mother," I murmur, and she smiles. Our fur is made of tiny glowing stars that shed upon each other, brush and flow, and I am _alive_ once again.

"Where's Feathertail?" I ask quietly once we are in the tall grass of StarClan. The wind is ripe, the soil is soft. I someone to hold on to, just for a moment, and to tell me I've made it.

Ashstar nods her head vaguely towards the river. "Careful, Crowfeather. Things have changed." She murmurs, "Don't hurt her."

But I could never hurt Feathertail. This is the moment I have been waiting for, for moons upon _moons_, for every sun that rises and falls like the faithful tide.

I pad towards a silver cat on the shore of the river. "Feathertail?" I ask cautiously, and she looks at me with that same look that she had when she died.

"Crowfeather," she whispers. She stands as if she is going to run to me, but stays still. I twine myself with her and purr and it is almost the reunion that I dreamed of, except that something is wrong-

"I'm not your mate anymore," she meows. I take a step back, reeling as if I have been hit.

"I'm letting you go," she meows. "I've watched you with Leafpool, I've watched you with Nightcloud. Crowfeather, you can't be with me." Her eyes are blue and broken glass. "You've grown up. I've never grown up, not since the day I died. I'm still the same-" she breaks off and steadies her paws on the rocks beneath her because she is trembling. "Crowfeather, when Leafpool gets here, _love_ her. Don't think of me."

I take another step back and my foot hits the water. It drags at me, hungry. "But Feathertail-"

"Just go," she whispers. "I'll still be here. I can walk between StarClan and the Tribe of Endless Hunting, so you'll see me… around." And her starlit pelt fades into the river, and she is swallowed by the tide that rises and falls.

I sit and I wait, broken more than ever before. She's gone. But Leafpool will join me soon, and now I know that Feathertail is willing to let me go. She releases her grasp on my heart and I breathe in like I have been holding my breath all this time.

Many moons later, Leafpool arrives. She sparkles and I fill my lungs with her air as she walks by. I follow her to the field. She hasn't noticed me yet; she's too busy watching the open sky with wide eyes. What is she looking for? She won't be seeing her ancestors up there-

I quietly sit down by her side, and she turns in surprise. "Crowfeather?"

"Hello, Leafpool."

"Crowfeather," she murmurs, and leans in so that our noses brush. Her eyes are glowing.

"Wait," she says, and my heart drops. _No_, not again.

"What's wrong?" I whisper. I don't want her to answer because I want us to stay like this forever.

"I can't be with you," she mutters.

"What?"

"I'm a medicine cat." She's said it so many times before, and now it gets me angry. It's an excuse for something more.

"Not anymore! You're not a medicine cat – You're dead!"

"I have to be loyal."

"Up here? We are one Clan!"

"Crowfeather, I can't love you," she says, and says the words so lightly it's as if the stars are breathing in. "Do you remember how you acted when you found out that we had kits together? You were disgusted with me. You said Nightcloud was your only mate. You have to- you have to stick by your word. Nightcloud is your only mate now, and if not her, then Feathertail…"

"No, Leafpool, but- " I can't comprehend. "I _want o_ur kits! I _want_ to be their father! I love you, Leafpool."

"You let me go, once, a long time ago." She looks away, up to the stars that hold empty meaning. "Now I'm just returning the favor."

I close my eyes and hope that I'm dreaming. Scratch me and I'll wake up. Oh StarClan, _please. _I never should had let her go, never should have released my hold.

So she's gone as well, I think as I pad into an empty den. As is Feathertail. I always thought I'd be lying next to one or the other in StarClan. I never thought I'd be alone.

Being alone for the rest of my eternity scares me more than anything did before, scares me until I want to scream, and I'm drowning in the loneliness.

But there's still a chance for me, isn't there?

Nightcloud is dying tonight, I've heard. I will be there, as she was there for me.

I race to the path that will lead me to her side. Her brother, Freezepaw, is already waiting there, ready to bring her up. He died when they were young, she told me. I push him out of the way and he doesn't fight back.

"Nightcloud," I call as starlight gets caught in her fur, as she twists out of her dead prison of a body. She looks up and surprise lights her eyes aflame.

"What are you doing here?" she hisses.

"I'm here to take you up," I meow.

"I wasn't expecting you."

"Well, I'm here."

"Why?" Her amber eyes are burning coldly.

It's a good question, and I don't lie as I murmur, "I don't want to be alone."

I take a step forwards to touch my muzzle with hers, but she turns her face away.

"Is that the same as what you told Leafpool and Feathertail?"

"Am I the last resort, Crowfeather?" she asks. "Am I?"

"That's what I thought," she meows, and doesn't look back.

And then she descends that damn starry staircase all by herself. As she goes, I watch her and think- she's beautiful. So beautiful. I see the shine in her sleek pelt, the ark of her back, the sharp stride. Her head is still held high.

What have I lost?

I carry my love on my back all the way back up to StarClan. With every step I take, I ache. It wasn't my fault, was it? Says the cat who once thought he would never fall in love. Says the cat who made too many promises.

They didn't love me. With every starry step, I begged forgiveness. Oh, please.

All I did was love too much.

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